t-junction

Starting with my Reiki initiation years back, I tried to pay attention to the order of things around me. I realized that if I was starting something good or wholesome, somehow the things ran smoother, the doors opened easier. On the contrary, if what I'm doing wasn't eventually good for myself of for the others hurdles, delays and hindrances would start to pop up.

I would know that simple, tried and tested actions are good for me or not. It's common sense to know that lying, back-stabbing and gossiping will eventually hurt me or someone else. But how about starting something entirely new? There was a time that I was completely exhausted by my corporate work and decided to start up my own consulting company. In a country where bureaucracy is famously complicated, things ran thunder speed and I received so much help from people around me. Even before I had time to worry whether I was doing the right thing, the company was established and clients were coming in. It was impossible to predict how well I would do before I started, but the signs gave me the encouragement that I was doing something right.

Since I came to Dubai about 6 weeks ago, things have been going very slow. Things get lost, key people leave on 3-week vacations, papers don't get signed, you name it. At some point I was drained and wanted to feel bad and sorry for myself. I wanted to whine and bitch and point fingers. I couldn't... Because it was almost funny how things completely outside of my control were going wrong as much as they could. 

Then I started thinking; for the last few months I was seeking signs where I should be. Dubai felt right in some ways and horribly wrong in others. The signs were not really clear before I landed here. But recently they were as loud as a Metallica concert and I was still not getting it. I kept pushing and pushing with not much luck. So was I really not meant to be here, was there another place and another plan for me? I felt relieved to reach this understanding and shared it with a few friends. They had a totally different perspective. They thought they were the challenges  sprinkled along the way to demonstrate my persistence to stay here and to teach yoga. They added that far from being some divine signs, the delays I was experiencing were related to the usual slowness of Dubai summers. They said that if  I quit now and leave Dubai, I would have never really given myself the full chance, that I would have given up just before the crack of dawn.

When it comes to viewpoints, there is no absolute right or wrong. There's only what's right for me. I don't know what's right for me so it's confusing. I've been a quitter at the first sign of resistance for most of my life, so really what I'm going through can be a “test” of how much patience and perseverance I've accumulated. Or it can be a reminder that I need to be kinder to myself, not push for things that feel abrasive and  wrong for me.

Deep down, I still don't know where I want to be now and what I want to do, so I keep seeking external signs. I had the slightest hope that putting all that down in writing would help me organize my thoughts and lead somewhere. It didn't really work this time.