the second vipasana

My first Vipassana experience I had in Bogor was much better than I expected. I was able to unveil a lot about myself, find out the reasons for some old fears, behavior patterns and some mental fixations. Around day 8 or so, I was already feeling weird that it would actually end so soon; when I was just getting used to the pace (or the lack of it!) and meditating. I met some other Vipassana mediators in Chiang Mai and I was telling them how the first course actually made me want more. Then I remembered that one of the meditators I met in Dhamma Java, who has been to more than 10 Vipassana courses recommended Dhamma Kancana in Thailand, saying it had the best food and facilities. I thought “Why not?”. I checked their website and found they have a course with compatible timing for my visa  and applied. I said if I get admitted it would mean that I actually needed to do another Vipassana. If not, it meant that I needed to visit Suzanne in Ray Ley.

10 days later I got the e-mail confirming my admission. I was so happy!  I made my travel and visa  arrangements accordingly and on 20th January morning boarded on the shuttle bus that would take us from Bangkok to the Dhamma Kancana meditation center. After a 6 hour trip we were there. It was spread over a larger plot of land over hilltop and had mixed accommodation of bungalows and rooms in the main building. The rooms were definitely more spacious, had their own toilets and surprise! Own showers with warm water. In addition to a fan, a dressing table and several hangers, there was even a daily laundry service. It was good news but I wondered how else I would keep myself busy if I won't be hand-washing my clothes every day? The answer was quick to come; here we would be washing our own dishes after each meal, I was relieved to hear that.

Dhamma Kancana appeared to be very resourceful and well settled. It felt as if everything was thought of so the students need not worry and just concentrate on their meditation. So that's what we did. There were about 45 female and 20 male students and we were very disciplined with our schedule and precepts. 

Dissolving of some mental debris already started on day 2. I was able to understand a lot about my relationship patterns and some of my blind spots. I believe things were already quite shaken up during the first Vipassana and now going into another intensive course while they were still loose and close to the surface was a reason that I was able to go deep. Vipassana believes that there is no unconscious; everything we go through is recorded at a conscious level however they may be suppressed for a variety of reasons.

Having gone through several long juice fasts and one water fast, I am quite familiar with the detox symptoms. Despite eating 2 times a day (6:30 am and 11:00am are the meal times for old students, no dinner) I already started going through a deep detox on day 2. I will not write the nastier symptoms related to physical detox. One of the most interesting ones however was at a behavioral level. When one is purifying her body and mind, usually a cleaning of home, stuff etc accompanies it. One may find that he/she is deep-cleaning the home, throwing away the accumulated junk, sorting out invoices, getting rid of old clothing etc. This is even considered as a solid proof that one I really going through a detox. It happened to me too; yet as I didn't have any old clothes or paperwork to sort out, I dedicated all my free time and energy for cleaning. I was waiting everyone to finish their lunch so that I can go and clean the sinks. They did not allow me to do this every day, so on other days I was sweeping the corridors of my level. I was also sweeping my room at least 3 times a day. I wouldn't consider myself an obsessively clean person, however two experiences in meditation centers was fast turning me into one... All my adult life, I had maids or cleaners to do every bit of housework for me, I never cleaned sinks or mopped bathrooms. Here, I was unable to sleep if there was even a single hair on the floor. And it wasn't enough just to pick it up; I had to sweep the entire room to make sure it's clean... One day I noticed that the wall tiles on the showers were not clean and started scrubbing them. Noticing that the cleaner in the room doesn't work well. The next day I took some dishwashing detergent from the kitchen and scrubbed the tiles with it; much better results.
I thought the idea of an ashram or a Buddhist meditation was to liberate oneself from all fixations or worldy attachments; I was fast turning into an obsessive housewife... Something didn't make sense in this picture...

I had two very deep meditation sessions on day 5 and felt things that I've never felt before. There was no knee pain, no wish to fidget, no thought of any kind. I don't know how long it lasted but I knew that as a result of that experience, I was changed at a very deep level and felt very blissful. During the break, I went back to my room to take a quick rest. Lying on the bed, I looked at my hand and remember thinking “this is not my hand”. Weird? The hand looked quite familiar, then it must have been “my” which changed and became unrecognizable even for a minute? This sequence of thought took less than  second probably but realizing what just happened I freaked out. Yes, I knew I was changed but to that extent? Was I totally disintegrating, was I losing it? I got so scared and started crying. I didn't know what was happening and I was sure that I would not ask that to the teacher. What was I supposed to say? “For a moment  I didn't recognize my hand and then I realized that the hand was the same old organ but my sense of identity and possession appears to be totally screwed up, what can you say about that?” No way... I had to deal with this myself.

However I was scared, too much that I could not meditate at all for the following days. At one level I was telling myself that such experiences were normal, I was just getting rid of some unproductive mental patterns and one needs time to settle to the new ways of thinking. At the other level however I wasn't buying into any of that stuff and was constantly worrying where that would lead?

6th day onwards, things started going for worse. I started craving for stuff. During meditation sessions, I was constantly thinking how much I missed my car, my life in Dubai, my friends, talking in Turkish, the high heel shoes, ease of life etc etc... I spent almost all my meditation sessions trying to convince myself that I had enough of this Asian crap and now it was time to go back to Dubai to find a proper corporate job in order to pick up from where I left. Treat this whole thing like an extended holiday and go back to a life where I would count days for the weekend. Everyone else was doing it, what made me think that I was so special and can pluck myself out of the system? I was scared of the future, the lack of security, not knowing where I was heading and wanted to put an end to all this ambiguity. There was however still a weaker voice inside that told me to hang on, continue trying to meditate and not give up. Feeling very powerless and totally screwed up, I followed that voice.  I was crying in bed every night but stayed in the meditation center, continuing to clean the sinks and the floors.

After the first Vipassana, I was saying it wasn't enough, that there was still a lot that I could change and wanted to sit for another one. No one guaranteed that it would a pleasant experience; quite the contrary no deep cleaning job is ever enjoyable. I wanted this and had to deal with it myself. I just didn't know where to start; it was simply too much to deal with; I faced my demons; attachments, cravings,  possessiveness,  need to control, unproductive relationship patterns... At one level, I am very happy to have discovered all that. However I can't help feel that it was just too many stuff discovered at a very deep level in one go. I am not sure how to handle all that.

What do I do with my demons once I face them in daylight?  Especially when light doesn't make them any less scary and doesn't give the spells to banish them away forever?

It's been over a week since the Vipassana finished and I could only complete this entry line by line within that time. It was hard even to write it. I know things will eventually be alright and once this process of change is completed I will feel much better and stronger. It feels like some mental vaccination; a tolerable dose of the sickness is injected so that I will be immune to it for a very long time; It's causing me weakness and dizziness while I learn how to handle it.

And some photos from Dhamma Java in Indonesia:

 

Toilet cleaning squad (hopefully) on fast track to Karma cleaning:

 

vipassana days - part 2

Day 6

Bogor has thunderstorms 320+ days in a year and this is one of those days. It is gloomy, rainy and there's a freezing wind. It is 6:30am, I am in the communal bathrooms of the ashram, trying to take a cold shower. I lost track of the calendar, but it must be just a few days before the new year's eve. Most of my friends are either preparing for a good evening with family and friends at a home party or they are preparing for a grand night out or traveling somewhere nice. I am in Bogor, not having established eye contact to anyone (let alone speaking) for the last 6 days, in severe pain in the entire lower part of my body, tired of sitting on a cushion for 10 hours a day and trying to breathe deep so that I gather enough courage to step under the cold water. Oh, I forgot to mention that I fueled myself with chilis in the breakfast. This is my newly discovered joy in this ashram. Seriously deprived of sensations or pleasures I take refuge into chili whenever it is served with meals. Today's breakfast menu was some heavy rice dish served with some fried veggies, fried garlic, chili sauce and fresh papaya. The idea of eating any rice, noodles or fried stuff at 6am (or any other time of the day for that matter!) is even more painful than sitting in lotus for hours, so I take a lot of fresh papaya and raw green chili pepper slices. I play with it. I dice the papayas with my fork and put one thin slice of chili on each cube. (Oh did I say that the dining hall has no knives or glasses? We are served food in metal cafeteria trays, have metal or plastic cups for drinks. I wonder if they had previous incidents of meditators stabbing eachother fighting for a better meditation cushion so that they removed knives as a precaution?) Then I eat each cube of papaya topped with chili with great pleasure. We are not supposed to have eye contact, but that doesn't forbid my neighbors from taking glimpses into my plate every so often. My eating habits are weird for them, I know that. What they don't know is that I do this to get some sensations and to gather enough courage for the shower.

This was the new year I planned and wanted for myself so I cannot complain. Cold water showers were not a part of the deal but hey, it certainly builds character and stamina. If I was a guy, I would have done compulsory military service in Turkey years ago. That's how they are supposed to grow from being the “baby of their mom” into men... Instead, here I am taking cold water showers in an ashram when there's a storm outside.

Sometime in my teenage years, I remember reading in Cosmo that cold water showers keep your boobs firm. Now this is a proper motivation so I step into the shower by taking a very deep breath. I am not even allowed to scream.

But hey besides all that drama, the meditation sessions go very well. The exhaustion of the first 4 days is replaced by a lightness and somewhat more energetic feeling. I do very well with less resting time and I seem to have developed what's called the “meditators sleep”. My sleep is very light, I am almost conscious of everything that happens while I am sleeping but do not feel disturbed. I have very vivid and colorful dreams. My creativity seems to be off the charts. If only I could write...

Day 7

Besides the mealtimes, the only activity and naturally the highlight of our days here is laundry. That's when we have a purpose and can use our upper-body muscles. So generally after lunch, we all rush to the laundry area, grab a bucket and start soaking, rubbing, rinsing and squeezing with all our energy. I don't know about the others but I put my heart and my soul into the washing. Then the next step is selecting a strategic spot to hang the clothes; from what direction is the wind blowing, where would it be safe from rain and dry the quickest. During breaks, we would go to the laundry area and examine the clothes, change the hanging location if the wind changed. I remember one time where it started pouring and a few of the meditators rushed out of the meditation hall; I have no doubts that they went for their laundries. So much for “sitting of strong determination”, it was washing of strong determination... We craved for action, which would enable us to move, spend some energy and give quick & visible results; and dry t-shirts the next day fulfilled all these criteria. Day 7 was significant for me, as it was when I felt competent enough to wash cargo pants by hand. I did it. Took a lot of effort but I did it.

Despite not having any yoga or proper stretching for the last 9 days or so my body is more flexible than ever. A friend who sat for Vipassana before told me that would happen but I had my doubts at that time. It seems to be true. It is said that physical stiffness is a reflection of mental stiffness or impurities and when mental blockages start to dissolve, the physical body opens to a level that no gym activity could provide.

By now, I can sit in meditations for up to 35 minutes without fidgeting, really feel that I am meditating and getting benefits out of it. My mind is clear and it keeps getting clearer. Many things dissolve, come out to the surface and I enjoy this process of discovery. I enjoy this ashram life too, super basic but everything I need is here. Surprisingly I do not miss talking or listening to music as much as I thought; however I miss writing. And mangoes

Day 8

On the tape, Goenka says “Those are the last two days that you will be able to work hard on your meditation seriously as on day 10 you will start talking” What? I was just getting warmed up. Seriously if I had an option if extending this course for another 10 days, I would go for it without a second thought. Except that I start to feel seriously under-fed and malnourished. Despite feeling great, I now have dark circles under my eyes and my skin is drying out. While registering for Vipassana, the form asks if you have any special dietary requirements. And it mentions that if those requirements are very specific, one may rather do the course at a later time. Fearing that my list of exclusions would have been probably too much to handle in an ashram environment and my application might have been rejected, I didn't fill that part. The food served is great and has a surprising variety every day but I just eat a few pieces of fruits and whatever vegetables are available. The result is probably less than 1000 calories a day, a good weight loss, super mental clarity as very little energy is wasted for digestion and of course a detox. Everytime I sit for meditation, I sweat a lot. Somedays I shower 3 times. I need to scrape my tongue after every meditation session. During the total of 10 days, I scrubbed my entire body many times and proved that whoever said the skin renews itself once every 28 days is not accurate. My skin was coming out almost every 3 days. Which of course also means that my Kuta tan is completely faded, a sad collateral damage.

The detox was the unexpected bit, but come to think about it, it makes sense. My mind is being shaken radically by this intensive meditating, I am highly introspective and eat very pure foods in small quantities. So nothing that cannot be cured by some coconut water& wheatgrass shots when I am out.

In such situations, it helps to share some experiences with others going through the same stages. I wish to know if I am the only one sweating during meditation sittings, having very vivid dreams, suffering knee pains etc... These are the only times that silence becomes a bit annoying. But actually by now, everything makes sense. Why we meditate for 10 hours a day, why we don't communicate with eachother, why we don't eat anything after 5pm. This is a thoroughly thought course plan aimed solely at giving the maximum amount of learning and practice time to students. I especially love the theory part and the underlying philosophy.

Day 9

The evening meditation session is interrupted by a lot of noise coming from outside. I realize that it is the new year's eve sometime later. Wow! This is what I wanted and it is happening. I believe that how I start the new year will have an impact on the rest of the days. In this stormy town of Bogor, I am peacefully sitting on a meditation cushion at the depths of introspection. My senses are sharper than ever, my mind is tranquil.

Yet what is more important to me is that I know that although the course is ending tomorrow I haven't excelled at the technique. There's still a lot I need to work on to say that I fully practice Vipassana. Nobody goes into a 10-day course and comes out as a full-fledged Buddha. I am far from it. I have a very long path ahead of me and for the first time in my life this doesn't bother me. I have always either done things very well from the start or else quit trying immediately. I was always afraid to be a rookie, who possibly screws up, doesn't understand or fails in the earlier steps of learning. I must have missed out a lot of things that had a potential to be fun once I gave a fair effort. Doesn't really matter at this point of time. What matters is that after all this knee pain, sensory withdrawals etc, I still need to keep trying much more, fail that much more and this doesn't bother me or make me quit. I accept to be a beginner and progress from that point, even if it takes 1000 attempts... That's my “happy new year”.

Having this insight, I fee the urge to wish someone a good year. During one of the breaks, I approach Natalia behind the bathrooms and very silently whisper “happy new year!” and she wishes me back. We share a big smile as we are partners in crime. I break the code of silence, if Karma decides to kick me in the ass later on, so be it. This was so worth it.

Day 10

Today after 9:45am, the silence period will end. And as promised, the schedule for the rest of the day is very relaxed. The morning meditation ends and as soon as we leave the meditation hall we are free to speak. I am not sure if I want to speak though being able to smile and look into the eyes of others is such a relief. My first exchange is again with Natalie, we wish each other happy new year again and discuss how good those 3 words felt last night for both of us.

From that point onwards it turns into some hysteria. All the 42 women who had solemn, expressionless faces and no voices until now goes almost berserk. The laughter and the chatter in the dining hall is just unbelievable. And the partition between the male and female sections in the dining hall is removed so we can now mingle provided that there is no physical contact. Then I find my roommate and we introduce ourselves. She is a very experienced meditator, who works as an acupuncturist in Jakarta . It's weird that all these days we have seen each other in all the ways possible, in pain, naked, angry, moaning in sleep, never exchanging a word or a glance.

Many people come to me and to Natalia to ask where we are from, what we do here, why we choose to sit for Vipassana in Bogor. Well, the last question I wonder myself too... As I expected some immediately ask me why I don't eat rice. This raises more curiosity than why a Turkish woman who travels alone decides to sit for Vipassana for new year in Java. This is real. I am different and the people around do not feel the need to hide that they are curious. No one feels the need to be politically correct, to maintain a neutral tone and to pretend that nothing is surprising. “why you not marry, you not afraid to travel alone, why you not do Vipassana in Turkey”... In return I bombard them with questions too. We are all curious and do not need to hide that and then as much as we find out the answers to our questions, we also form a bond.

Then it is announced that we can get our wallets, IDs and laptops back. Now I am excited! As I mentioned, writing is the only thing I truly missed and as soon as I grab my laptop I go to my favorite spot in the ashram; somewhere at the very back of the garden with a great view of the valley below. I am even glad that I left all the crowd and the noise behind and write more than two hours, until the afternoon sitting. Then our mobiles are released to us in the afternoon but that doesn't excite me so much. Oh, along with the mobiles I get my ipod. The first song I listen to is Parabola by Tool. I missed Maynard's voice so much.

The rest of the day is pretty wild. Everyone's so relaxed that there's hardly any meditation. There's a surprise though; apparently sometime in the afternoon a list was passed around for the cleaning schedule of the closing day. Dorms, kitchen, bathrooms and halls need to be cleaned before we leave. However the list was in Bahasa Indonesia so eventually all of us foreigners who didn't even know about this list were left to fill out whatever group needed more members. Yes, Natalia, Isabel and I are in the group that will clean the communal bathrooms and toilets :) If this isn't the perfect way to end an ashram experience, I don't know what else is.

closing day

We again wake up at 4:00am, have a much shorter meditation session and then have a grand breakfast. Around 7:00 the cleaning teams go to their assigned locations. We joke about it saying that actually cleaning toilets is the fast track to cleaning your karma. The only glitch along the way is that we don't know the “Indonesian way” of cleaning. Well, I know no way of cleaning anything. I was just studying “laundry for beginners” so floor scrubbing is not an area I've mastered yet. I observe one of the girls and then get on with the next bathroom. Everyone including me is having fun with the way I clean, or more accurately the way I attempt to clean. Once in a while, they give me tips, more often than than we laugh.

Fun part aside, scrubbing toilets and bathrooms that were used by 42 women over a period of 11 days definitely is a good way to scrub off a bit of ego too. That is a major aspect of the ashram life and the Vipassana meditation so I cannot complain. We have an hour of fun, take many photos and when we make sure that every tile is scrubbed senseless with copious amounts of detergents we are relieved and go back to our rooms to change.

The transportation is arranged for those who do not have a car and one of the ladies from my dorm invites me to her place until the time of my flight to KL. With my heavy bags, this is a tempting offer so I join her.

This Vipassana course was one of the best things I did in my life. As soon as Anders mentioned it in October, I felt attracted and jumped in without any research, preparation. It turned out to be right. I will not mention anything about the technique, the practice or the very specific mental/emotional experiences I had with the technique. I don't want to create any false expectations or taint anyone experiences by describing my own. There's sufficient information on the web and especially on the official site for those who are interested. It is definitely worth the time and the effort of 10 days invested. I know that the next time I have time and a course is available, I am jumping in without any hesitations.

vipassana days - part 1

Day 1

I wake up to the sound of the bell from a distance and my first reaction was “oh, this bell is for meditators, so I (the yogini) can sleep a little more” Hah, I am very prepared! It is 4am, still dark and I grab my towel to rush to the communal, open-air bathroom to prepare.

According to the schedule, we have about 10 hours of meditation every day, starting from 4:30, finishing at 21:00. In this first day, I must have spent about 6 hours fantasizing about Ino, 2 hours fretting about some trivial past issues, 1 hour planning the next step of my trip and then maybe an hour trying to meditate. Very fruitful day when Vipassana is concerned. By midday, my hands and my feet are swollen incredibly. Knowing that I will not be allowed to do yoga, I tried to “stock up” by practicing about 5 hours every day in the last few days. That much mobility, followed by a 30 hour bus ride and then all day trying to sit cross-legged seems to be taking its toll on my lymphatic system. By the end of the day all muscles in my body was aching from trying to sit and my mind was exhausted from trying to meditate yet slipping into all sorts of wild thoughts.

Day 2

My muscles, especially my back is sore and I barely drag my ass to the meditation hall by 4:30. Although my mind is still half asleep, I have a really good meditation session. Some deep-rooted issues pop up to the surface. “Why have I been obsessing about this, why can't I let go of that?” all the answers come. It caught me unprepared to face some mental patterns so soon and I start crying, but they are tears of relief.

The rest of the day, meditation also seems to improve significantly, I think I fantasized about Ino only 5 hours or so...

Observing the old students, I figured that I need to spend every minute out of the meditation hall resting. So I become very efficient in breaks. When the bell rings, I am one of the first to rush out, pee with the speed of light, quickly refill my water bottle and then go to my room to lie down even for a few minutes. If the break is longer than 15 minutes, I try hard to fall asleep as this seems to be the only thing to reset my back and my knees. The meditation cushions are 60x60 cm,the rear 25 cm of it slightly higher than the rest to give room while sitting. Ideal form for people with knee or hip problems as a flat cushion is very painful to sit on for extended periods of times. I secretly try to do stretching exercises while everyone else closes their eyes to meditate. It partially helps with the pain, but I crave for a strong massage session.

The meditation center seems to be built in two symmetrical sides, separated by a partition about 2 meters high. Guys are on one side and we are on the other side. In the meditation hall there is no partition but we sit at a considerable distance. Even meditation cushions are marked M or F. So I wonder what happens if I put my butt on an M-marked cushion? Probably some bad karma will come and bite me in the ass.

Day 3

During one of the resting hours, I find myself brushing my index finger at a spot under my bed frame, where the wood was rough. Then I realize that I try to touch everything constantly; the seams of my mediation cushion, the bed frame, hardwood floors. This is some serious sensory withdrawal kicking in, not being able to talk, read, write, listen to music etc makes me feel very weak now. All I can do is to touch stuff so that I at least the texture gives me some senses.

Day 4

The Vipassana training is very systematic, it builds on new things every day and the teacher makes sure that we understand the previous step before we move to the next one. We are constantly encouraged to keep trying. And today is a big day as we will jump a major step. We're all excited and looking forward it. We are given the instructions and asked to practice. Oh and from now on, 3 times a day, for duration of one hour, we are not supposed to move. These will be called “Sittings of strong determination”. Not only was I periodically slipping away from the meditation hall to drink more water and to pee, I was also becoming quite effective in turning my 60x60 cushion into a mini yoga-mat. In 4 days, I managed all sorts of leg and arm stretches, spinal twists and hip openers and was just about to develop a trademark technique for back bends, and now I am not supposed to move for an hour? Impossible... For one thing, my knees are repetitively injured and I cannot sit in any position that requires me to bend my knees at any angle for more than 6 minutes. Then of course also I fidget a lot. Here I learn that there are two types of tricks that our minds play to us to keep us away from focusing: one is to shut off by sleeping and the other is by constantly being distracted and having impulses to move. I am definitely the second type. I wish I was the sleeping type though, I could have at least faked being into deep transcendence. Instead I keep itching my head, rotating my neck and peeking at the clock for the lunch break. Especially fueled by yoga, I cannot even imagine having the Buddha determination where I would sit in the perfect lotus for an hour, with a serene smile on my face.

Besides the worry to sit, actually everything else goes quite well. I heard some horror stories where people ran away on the 3^rd day unable to put with the pressure, emotional issues etc. Even in the registration form, there are lengthy questions about past history of depression and drug use which was kind of scary. No one questions your mental history unless they will mess around with it; so I was expecting some serious trouble. Well when I look in the mirror, I see dark circles under my eyes and even in 4 days I lost weight (which is because I am super selective with what I eat and refused to eat anything but fruits and stir-fried veggies) but mentally and emotionally I feel really stable and strong. Noone else in our group of 80+ meditators seem to be losing it too.

Day 5

In the 4 “sittings f strong determination” sessions that I had since yesterday, my determination lasted no longer than 5 minutes. However I am very charged by the evening discourse, where Goenka talks about how one needs to “dissect and analyze the pain, go right into it instead of trying to avoid it”. In the last sitting of the day, I get into an easy cross-legged position and start meditating. I manage the first ten minutes without any problems. Pain kicks in my left knee after 15 minutes. This time I stay with it; I focus all my attention in my knee, try to find the spot where it originates, what type of pain it is and if there are any secondary sensations beneath the pain; yes, I feel it there is a lot of throbbing and heat. It becomes unbearable, I feel as if my knee will explode. Then I start to fear if I am risking some serious injury by putting so much strain on it. Injury be it; I know the chiropractics, osteopaths and whatnot in Ubud who can fix it so I tell my mind to shut up. Trying not to cry, I now start to shiver and some minutes later the pain actually decreases. It doesn't go away, but the throbbing is now more like a flow of tingling sensation and the heat is not unbearable. I never thought I would have passed that threshold, define it clearly in my mind and feel it dissipating. Finally I hear the bell that ends the meditation sitting. I then open my eyes to see that it's been 25 minutes! From 6 to 25 in one sitting is great progress. This was my “fight club” moment where acid is poured over my hand and unless I accepted the pain it would only keep hurting more and more. Yet I don't feel victorious; one of the things I learned thanks to Vipassana is not to get attached to any feeling. All things good and bad will pass; nothing in life is permanent so there is no point in getting attached to anything.

Now only if I can get up from the cushion and walk back to my room...

27-hour bus ride

“Why you take bus, take plain. It is more safe please take train” my Indonesian friends told me when I shared my decision to take a bus from Denpasar, Bali to Bogor, Java on my way to the Vipassana. None of them ever took the bus they told me, flight or motorbikes is the way to travel in Indonesia.

The journey is a little over a thousand kilometers but it takes 27 hours if there are no delays. From what I've heard and read, a delay is to be expected in the rainy season because roads around Jakarta tend to flood. I don't know if it was the difference of cost or if I was overtaken by a sudden sense of adventure but flight option did not appeal to me. I was kind of scared of the unknown; a 1000km distance to take 27 hours? Either the roads were horrible or the buses or both. But I had time; disposable amounts of it. So I booked my ticket and tried to gather more info. I met 2 foreigners who took the buses and they were both very positive about it, interestingly it was Indonesians who were more pessimistic about their own transportation network. That gave me a little more confidence and I set out Monday morning 5am from Ubud by taxi to Denpasar bus terminal.

I chose the Lorena bus company, which is supposed to be the most comfortable and safest between Bali and Java. When I saw the bus parked in the terminal, it looked much better than I expected. There were blankets, pillows, lots of leg space, a smoking room and a toilet. Travelers were mostly families as it was the semester break for schools on Indonesia now. The first 3.5 hours on the bus was in Bali, with a beautiful green scenery and reggae music. We were stopping often to pick up passengers and it was part of the fun. About 3.5 hours into the ride, we embarked on the ferry to cross to the Java island. Then the real fun began. Along with everyone else, I got off the bus to get some fresh air in the deck. The minute I was out, guys started approaching and trying to talk. I was not in a talkative mood, especially not when I know that the guys were hitting on. Still trying to be polite, I was answering with single-syllable words to all questions. Convinced that I am not interested, the guy would leave in 5 minutes, only to be followed by another Romeo who thinks maybe he can do a better job. After 30 minutes and a variety of Romeos, I got really tired and went back to the bus.

After the illusion of fun of a bus ride is replaced by a more realistic sense of boredom, I started randomly texting my friends. I figured out that Ino the photog was in a town just 5 minutes from my meditation center visiting his friends. He offered to pick me up from the bus terminal and take me to the meditation center. Not only that, he added his plan was to leave that day back to Bali but he would stay another night just so that he can meet me. This was too good to be true; firstly the meditation center is so remote and I had no idea how to get there except for taxi which would cost a small fortune. Secondly, Ino the photog is hot. He is beautiful, sweet, willing to wait for me for a day in a god forsaken town, a photographer and travels on his motorbike wherever and whenever he feels like it. Such a dangerous combination for me at an even more dangerous time; I am going into Vipassana. Well at least the rest of the journey went easy as I had something to obsess over.

At the end of a 30 hour journey, I finally reached Bogor and saw Ino waiting with his friend. They picked me up and we headed to his friend's place for a cup of tea and to figure out the map to the meditation center. As they were discussing heatedly, I figured that there's something wrong. Ino said that the map and the address don't seem to be of the same location. Puzzled, I called the meditation center to get directions. Since I spoke to her in English, the lady on the phone asked my name and after keeping me on hold for a few minutes told me that I am registered for the Vipassana in Klaten, not in Bogor! What was more fun is that Klaten is about 8 hours far from Bogor, towards Bali. If I were to take a direct bus there, the journey would be about 16 hours. The misunderstanding is totally due to a difference in how we interpreted information: Back in November, I opened the confirmation email and there was a link for a map along with an address. Then I looked up the address in the google maps and saw that it matched with the map in the link and proceeded to get transportation there. However the lady on the phone said it was the map to the Java Center, not Klaten. I asked her why she would send me the map of a place that I am not supposed to go to and she asked me why I didn't call before coming. I told her that I generally call if I see that there's something missing or wrong and for me in this case everything looked clear. Realizing that the discussion was getting to a dead end, she suggested that I fly to Klaten and I said no way. About to burst in tears, I tried to tell her I registered month ago and came all the way from Bali by bus. “Bus” turns out to be the magic word again! She said “By bus? Well then come here and we'll see what can be done” On the way to the center I really tried to hold myself not to cry. Ino said “Well if they don't have a space for you, maybe we go back to Bali togther with my bike ? Tonight we reach Jogjakarta and by tomorrow we will be in Bali” Hmm, I am so afraid to be on a motorbike but this is such a temping offer in all the ways. Ino, Jogjakarta, motorbike... Suddenly the idea of not having a space in Vipassana stopped feeling like the end of the world.

As we reached the meditation center, I am somewhat alarmed by the sight of the big iron doors and the security guards. I was told to wait for half hour, don't know for what. Inside is full with people trying to register, drag their bags in, chatter chatter. I wasn't expecting such a lively scene. Well it makes sense as the silence meditation did not start yet. Half hour later, I was invited in to meet with the teacher. The teacher asked me to tell the story of the mess up again and made sure that I will not practice yoga or any other sort of meditation while in Vipassana. By this time I am ready to commit to whatever he asks for anyways... Then he says that I got a space in! Yippeeee, I went out, took my bag from the car and thanked Ino a million times. I must admit though, as I hugged him goodbye, something inside said “Just grab your bag and run out! There are Vipassana courses every month, how often do you get the chance to jump on a motorbike with a hot photog?” If I was 25, I would have been impulsive enough to grab my bag and run out. At 35, I walked in congratulating myself for being very mature, at the same time determined to create another opportunity where Ino would offer me a similar journey again.

Inside, I am asked to fill in more forms where even my relationship with my parents is questioned. Then I am given two canvas bags, I hand in my mobiles, laptop, ipod, passport, wallet, all my money, food items, books, any piece of paper that I can write on and my pen. Feeling sufficiently naked, I am directed to my room. It is a 2.7x5.2 meter room with 3 beds, 3 plastic hangers on the wall and nothing else. There's not even enough room to put my bag so I am a bit puzzled how to manage the space.

The bathrooms and toilets are in another block and they are shared. The rest of the grounds are pretty small; I was kind of expecting a large forest at the back where we can take long and slow walks under the shade of the trees between meditation sessions. I headed back to the registration area and see another non-Indonesian girl. She is Natalia from Spain and doing the exact reverse route; she came from Chiang Mai where she was doing massage courses and after Vipassana she is heading to Bali. Then she told me how she was registered for Klaten but ended up here because she was sent the map of this place! Unbelievable how similar our stories were. It relieved me a little though, I was just about to feel stupid for mixing up two entirely different cities. She gave me lots of tips on Chiang Mai and I tried to fill her in about Bali before silence started.

At 6pm, we had a dinner followed by a tape recording on why one should leave now if he/she doesn't feel ready or committed for Vipassana. Iron doors, security guards, forms and now this? I am getting scared. After dinner we head to the meditation hall for the first time and our wow of 10-day silence starts. Not only silence in words but we are not supposed to touch or make eye contact with other meditators. We are however free to speak to the management and to the teacher anytime we have a question or problem.

The meditation hall is big, spacious and beautiful. We have cushions allocated to us, so we know where we will sit for the rest of the sessions. Sit, meditate and do nothing else. I have ten days to figure out if it will feel as difficult as it sounds.

vipassana - prelude

Vipassana means to see things as they really are. It is an ancient meditation technique having its roots in the Buddhist traditions. It is a way of self-transformation through self-observation. It focuses on the deep interconnection between mind and body, which can be experienced directly by disciplined attention to the physical sensations that form the life of the body, and that continuously interconnect and condition the life of the mind. It is this observation-based, self-exploratory journey to the common root of mind and body that dissolves mental impurity, resulting in a balanced mind full of love and compassion.

Vipassana is taught at a 10-day residential course and there is a certain discipline one must commit during the course. This includes to abstain from killing, stealing, sexual activity, speaking falsely, and intoxicants. Also, all students must observe Noble Silence from the beginning of the course until the morning of the last full day. Noble Silence means silence of body, speech, and mind. Any form of communication with fellow student, whether by gestures, sign language, written notes, etc., is prohibited.

In addition, no outside communications is allowed before the course ends. The playing of musical instruments, radios, etc. is not permitted. No reading or writing materials should be brought to the course. Students should not distract themselves by taking notes. The restriction on reading and writing is to emphasize the strictly practical nature of this meditation.

I first heard about Vipassana a few years ago and it sounded really intense. So I did not pay much attention and forgot about it really fast. I anyways always had difficulties meditating for even a minute let alone 10 days... However after coming to Ubud, I kept hearing it more and more... Mostly with very positive comments attached to it. I did my own research around it and the more I found about it, the better it sounded. Then one day, I visited the official website and applied for a Vipassana in Thailand during the christmas-new year period. (Special thanks go to my friend Anders, his openness in sharing his experiences was probably among the biggest influences for me to take this step) It turned out that all 4 centers in Thailand were fully booked, however then almost miraculously I found a spot in Java, Indonesia. This happened in early November and since I got accepted I am looking forward for this experience.

Our daily lives do not encourage us to feel. Without further discouragement from the environment, it is anyways difficult to feel and to stand with whatever is going on. Hiding your feelings, pretending nothing's happened and going on like “business as usual” are more socially accepted than saying “hey, that hurt like hell, so I just need to take time to heal myself”. We don't want to appear vulnerable, we don't want to show our weaknesses, frustrations or anger. Slowly our “human” side gets to be buried under a lot of debris. They never disappear by themselves, they are stored somewhere and keep piling up. Waiting for the opportunity to be expressed....We just lose contact with them and forget they exist. Once in a while, we may see the tip of the iceberg

There's a lot that can distract us from feeling. Keeping busy is a perfect way to keep out focus outside and pretend that our insides also comply with it. Spending a lot of time on computer games, drinking or have any hobby that we give an obsessive amount of time and energy... Then of course is over-working. What is a more socially acceptable way of ignoring our own feelings and our significant ones than staying 12 hours a day in the office? Anything that keeps our attention on the outside, be it a computer screeen, movies, excessive eating, having a very busy social schedule to avoid taking a moment to focus inside to see what's going on there. It is painful.

We don't need to have major dramas or childhood traumas for that pain. Facing the very simple fact that we ignored ourselves all this time and suppressed our feelings is painful. To observe what's going on, to hear what we have to say, what we really want, to see ourselves for who we really are... Sometimes even recognizing our strengths, out talents is a challenge. Because we see what we are capable of, but simply do nothing about it.

During the Vipassana, I will sit for 10 hours a day just focusing on the breath. Observing how the breath comes in and goes out is a gateway to stepping into deeper emotions; the true self. And there is no escape, no TV to numb the brain, no computer to distract the attention, no music to sway the feelings away, no talking to tune into how others' feel. Knowing that my mind is quite skilled in distracting me in whatever ways possible, I know this will not be easy. There will be a lot that I will see and feel for the first time; for what they really are. And there won't be anything to distract me this time. Hell, there's not even yoga so I can only focus on how my poor hamstrings are hurting...

6am Monday morning, I will be taking the bus to Bogor and arriving there 27 hours later if there are no delays (I was told that the roads flood a lot during the rainy season, so even a 10-hour delay would not be unheard of). Then Tuesday afternoon, I will check-in to the ashram and stay with myself until 2^nd January morning. Yeah, I kind of like myself, but don't know if the love between us is strong enough to keep us together for 11 days :)

Vipassana looks scary to me in many ways, but what feels better than being scared of something and doing it anyway? The journey may be rough but I know the end result will be only good for me.

Stay tuned for the post-Vipassana observations :) 

Happy new year everyone